Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Randomize
