He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
You made out with two different species that night
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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