put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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