Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
