I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
