I heard we made out
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
