I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
