well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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