There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
did i walk over a car last night?
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
