all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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