I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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