dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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