Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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