sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Randomize
