Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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