I wish my penis had an off switch
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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