Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
