You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
