Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
