its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Randomize
