I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
