I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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