the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
there was a trapeze. enough said
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
