Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
