My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Randomize
