Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
They are going to name an STD after you.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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