i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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