so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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