You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
