All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
