So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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