Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
