i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
