my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
