She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I want to fling myself into the sun
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
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