Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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