Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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