Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
