So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize