Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
