Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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