This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
