I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
God, I missed his penis.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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