Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
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