OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
