im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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