i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
God, I missed his penis.
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