just survived the first fart of the relationship.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Randomize
