The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
