All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize