just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
