went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Randomize
