My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
