Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
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