Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
