Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
