i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I just found puke in my bra..
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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