It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
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