i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
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