my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
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