this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
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