I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
