Having a random hookup so left but love u
# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
i wish my penis had a tongue
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize
