Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
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