Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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