...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize