12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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