I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
