John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
