Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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