Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
